THE FAKE FOREIGN CHILDREN on Disneyland’s ‘It’s A Small World’, are currently reworking the (in)famous song lyrics to include ‘It’s a small Uptown after all’. When you live (and date) within a neighborhood the size of a few streets, it feels close to paranormal having to see the hauntings of a failed courtship everywhere you roam, namely favorite bars, and Hot Albertsons, our neighborhood grocer.
Bad date scenario #1: Meet for drinks. He pulls a Chandler Bing and says, “This was fun, let’s do it again sometime!” Three weeks later, your only missed calls are from 1-800-Contacts, and your mom. His name doesn’t appear on your caller ID, but his presence at The Quarter Bar sure as hell does. Solution #1:
a) Strategically place yourself in his peripheral vision. Act like you’re having a really good time with your friends and laugh frequently. He needs to be shown that you don’t care he forgot to press ‘save’ after you gave him your number. Also, be thinking of clever punch line to say when you inevitably have an uncomfortable encounter at 1:59am.
b) When the bar begins to close and he walks your way, and trips (because you’re hot, and he’s nervous), he laughs it off and says, “don’t judge me.” Reply with a coy “Honey, I can judge you all I want.” Because you can. And you are.
c) Do a sexified Shawn Johnson pivot turn, and leave bar with entourage, making sure not to stumble upon exit.
You: 1 Losery Guy who never called you: -0.5 (Minus points for tripping.) (more…)