I have a vision of me walking to work in the morning wearing a fabulous grey dress and nude heels with a designer briefcase in one hand, and my venti latte from Starbucks in the other. The caffeine fix is pertinent to this story because in said vision, I am patiently (sleepily) waiting in line for my coffee, and a rugged, sexy man who is intelligent, humorous, and most likely in a band, is scoping me out. Upon my exit, he holds open the door for me, senses my well-masked (but obvious only to him) loneliness, and immediately asks me out. This vision will never happen because:
1) Like I would have a job that involves a briefcase. Laughable.
2) It is way too cold outside to walk anywhere, much less to my office building, as I do not want to show up 30 minutes late, covered in mud splashed up from the DART.
3) Dating is different.
Let me explain. I hear stories from older women about the many (many) men they dated in their younger years. And these are women who were married in their early twenties. So my question is: how did they date so many men in a short amount of life and have time to find, woo, and lock down (for lack of a better super cheesy chick-flick term) “the one” when, lets say, for every decade I’ve lived, I have only had one ‘serious’ relationship to show for it. And I’m 22.
Where. Are. All. The. Men. WHERE.
This is where The Social Network is applicable to life (well, aside from it being applicable to life). Cue the scene where Mark Zuckerberg’s friend asks him about the real-life relationship status of some chick he has the hots for. Zuckerberg experiences a massive epiphany, adds “Relationship Status” to The Facebook, and miraculously, the site is game for launch. This feature is handy for cute frat boys who ‘friend’ you 2:30am late night at the SAE house. Now I can see that you and your high school girlfriend are “complicated” and I will direct my sights elsewhere. This is not helpful when I am checking out a stranger at the grocery store. I realize real-life people in relationships don’t have a flashing sign above their heads that says I’M TAKEN, but still. Wear horseblinders or something. Don’t eye me and then get my hopes up. The nerve.
For the past two years (or however long it is that I have complained about my singledom), my mom has said to me, “people date in groups now,” and I have absolutely no idea what that is supposed to mean. How do you meet someone whilst on a group date? Because if I’m on said date, doesn’t that mean that I’ve already met this person (assuming I am not on a blind date. Because I’d rather be at home hanging with the rooms than on an awkward outing with some dude who can only be described by his colleagues as ‘nice’)? I do not understand this concept.
Until recently-ish. I now realize that “group dating” means “within groups” meaning “groups of friends” meaning “use your network” meaning “people you already know”. So I have pried into the lives of my friends, family, and coworkers to see how they met their significant other. Listen carefully: you will never hear them answer with, “at a bar”. The answers I’m finding tend to be “through friends”, “at a wedding”, or “he’s my next-door neighbor’s accountant’s roommate”.
I have gathered that my life will not pan out like Jasmine’s. Or anything that Sarah Jessica Parker and/or Rachel McAdams stars in. This is why I have stopped watching chick flicks. So, for someone whose guy friends are still playing video games, girl friends are not (really) getting married, and who has no particular need for an accountant, what is one to do?
Advice will be solicited starting now. Dating websites do not count.