After a short hiatus, I’m back to review the current state of American college football. As a Texas fan, I’m a little depressed as I allowed myself to ignore the very apparent flaws in our team and began to have delusions of grandeur complete with an undefeated run through the Big 12. We’re 4-1, and a win in Dallas will quickly make all right in the world again. I’ll leave the real analysis to the brains on this site. I’m here to make inane observations and make them I shall!
What We Already Knew
- 2012 Georgia football = 2001 Texas Football: Talent-laden team that has developed a reputation as soft, head coach with a great overall W/L record yet he finds himself on the hot seat every big game, and a supposedly “classy” fan base that acts like a bunch of spoiled brats after a loss. When I read the Aaron Murray story this morning, I immediately thought of how we (and I do realize that it was isolated to a few idiots) treated Chris Simms after the CU Big XII Championship game. Yes, Georgia looked terrible against the Gamecocks. No, college kids do not deserve to have their homes vandalized because they didn’t perform well against Spurrier’s defensive line of Uruk-hai.
- Notre Dame is the best of the “programs with great history and bad teams”: Notre Dame is now 5-0 and 3-0 against teams with big names and bad teams. While I originally had Stanford circled as a game the Irish would drop, after watching both teams so far this season, it seems the creepy, smiling trees will have their work cut out for them against the Irish defense in what could be one of the most painful viewing experiences of the 2012 football season. Every team left on ND’s schedule is either flawed or down right bad, so it’s time to begin girding your loins for the inundation of Gaelic propaganda that will wash over the month of October like a smelly tide of corned beef water and stale beer.
- Linebackers who can read and react still exist: While Texas linebackers were blindly blitzing into the West Virginia line away from the ball, Florida and LSU put on a clinic of defensive football in GainesVegas (the Florida one, not the meth lab on the Oklahoma border). While the score doesn’t attest to it, there was actually some decent offense played in this game, but both defenses were just phenomenal. Will Muschamp, I miss you. I miss the gentle swoop of your thinning Bama bangs, I miss your musk, and I miss your ability to effectively game plan against a spread offense.
- FSU – Same As It Ever Was: In the storm of life with all its unexpected twists and turns, Florida State losing to a team with half its talent is the rock to which we can all cling when all we need is a little stability, something familiar. Thank you, Jimbo Fisher.
What We Learned
- South Carolina can now play on Saturday: Congratulations South Carolina! You have now moved up from the legion of teams I hate watching in Thursday night games full of incomplete hitch patterns, dive plays and turnovers into the ranks of real contenders. The thought of a Hawaiian shirt-clad Steve Spurrier needling Saban for a whole week prior to the SEC Championship game elicits the same response in me as a puppy delivering an ice cream sundae.
- Polyunsaturated Fats + Willie Lyles = Devastation: Oregon is still fast, but this year’s team is much more physical than the Oregon teams of the past five years. This development piqued my curiosity, so I did a little digging on the current Oregon roster. The difference this year is that Chip Kelly now not only complements his usual troupe of California cast-offs with East Texas speed but has now fully tapped into the football prowess of Polynesia. It’s a team fueled by macadamia nuts and possum, and it should be feared. Now, if we could find a Samoan linebacker from Port Arthur for the Longhorns, I wouldn’t worry as much about the middle of the defense.
- Hippie Bears > Hollywood Bears: Not that anybody really cares, but Cal put a whoopin’ on UCLA. In what was supposed to be a contest of chill SoCal bros beating up on some sweet NorCal bros, Cal forced UCLA into 6 turnovers and left their mark as the top ursuline university on the Pacific Coast. Jeff Tedford celebrated with a feast of gluten-free brownies and a small glass of organic mead that was made from the fermented honey of vegan bees.
- Paul Rhoads is proud of you: Iowa State out-efforted the hung-over remnants of the Horned Frogs. While Gary Patterson spent all of last week figuring out how long he would have to suspend Pachall, Paul Rhoads was hard at work scripting his game plan as he knew all of the Cyclones would be in bed by nine after enjoying half an hour of MarioKart64 and a warm glass of buttermilk. He’s still so proud to be their coach.
- Ummm: So Duke is sitting on top of the ACC standings right now…