Recapping The Worst Oscars Ever

Posted by    |    February 28th, 2011 at 12:27 pm

Did that really just happen? Did the coolest, most star-studded event on the planet just melt down like a 13-year-old with a new crop of acne? Fifteen minutes into that painful exercise our whole Oscar-watching party slumped in disbelieving silence. No laughs. No energy. No electricity whatsoever. It was so bad on so many levels, and hopefully somebody somewhere has taken show producers Bruce Cohen and Don Mischner out back and administered punishment. A cattle prod comes to mind. Herewith, my comments on the car wreck that was the 83rd Academy Awards.

1.  James Franco, keep your day job, even it requires you to cut your arm off. You are charming, handsome, talented, and perhaps the worst MC ever selected. Poor Anne Hathaway practically popped a hammy trying to keep the mood up and the pace lively. She set her career back five years trying to cook this turkey.

2. The writing was uniformly abysmal. You would think the Oscar broadcast would get the top talent, right? Now we realize that the hosts like Billy Crystal and Jon Stewart must have brought in their own guys. The jokes were flat all night.

3. I’m sorry but the Kirk Douglas thing was so awkward and unnecessary. He has had a wonderful career for 60 years. I prefer not to see Spartacus drooling all over the stage and making us all want to crawl under a quilt. He and Dick Clark should officially retire.

4. At least the designers and stylists came through. The dresses were spectacular, and almost every actress looked like a vision. For fashion I rate it a 9.9.

5. I really wanted someone strong, like Mark Walberg, to walk out and punch that obnoxious Melissa Leo in the face. I hoped that her shameless self-promotion campaign would backfire, but she won anyway and reminded us all that playing an F-bomb dropping trailer trash burnout was really type casting.

6. There was not one single surprise. Yawn.

7. If the Academy wanted to make itself younger, it failed. The kids at our party went to the iPhones early — texting, Angry Birds, anything to break the dullness. Can we get new producers next year?